Sponge bath it is.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
