my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
