My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
