Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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