You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She announced her abortion via fbk
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
