non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
