apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You're like the curious george of whores
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
