I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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