wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
