Whod you bang
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
