I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
