Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
