That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
not ubering you a puppy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
