You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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