I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
