theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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