having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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