i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
