are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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