You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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