I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
