yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
