I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
