My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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