he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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