I think I just saw someone hide a body.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
