im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
