Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
