My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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