Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
how does that bad decision feel?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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