omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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