Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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