The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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