Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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