if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
