He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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