New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize