woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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