I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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