best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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