You just made me feel so damn special
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
