He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
