And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
