I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
