i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
