You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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