...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
