you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
