I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.