My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?