I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
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Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.