Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
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The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
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Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today