did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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