I hate your face
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
