a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
