if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
