My liver just broke up with me...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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