I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito