as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story